i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
im six kinds of drunk right now
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
