Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
