I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
