All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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