I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
