im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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