Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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