....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
