why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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