I am in a vortex of obligation.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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