1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
