you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize