Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
