i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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