Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I supernannyed him into submission
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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