I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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