Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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