he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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