I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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