Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
