apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
