Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
