Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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