i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
