My underwear smells like fireworks.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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