how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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