It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Screwed.edu
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
