No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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