I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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