i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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