Plan B is the new Plan A
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
