Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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