Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
