Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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