we have pet lesbian snakes
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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