a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize