Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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