I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
the day after is always just damage control
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Randomize