She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
