Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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