your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
