Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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