i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
