I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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