this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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