i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
