He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
don't judge my taste in strippers
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
