You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
