So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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