I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
