Your dad touched me again.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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