I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
