I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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