Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
