I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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