my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
