I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
