Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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